Wednesday, July 20, 2011

In My Head

Ever since I started this blog I've noticed my inner monologue has gotten much louder. Every time I do something or think about something I can do that would make a good post I start writing sentences in my head. In my car, in the shower, at work, eating dinner, when I get in bed and can't fall asleep. Really anything I can do in auto pilot turns into blog brainstorm time. I keep rewriting and repeating the sentences in my head until I get a chance to write them down. Sadly, some of these ideas never make it to paper or computer screen with such verbal perfection as I had originally thought them before my train of thought became interrupted, but that's life. I'm sure it's a good thing that I have ideas flowing in, but why is it that when I have plenty of time set aside for a latte and a good brainstorm I can't think of anything?

As much as I could get away with in high school and consistently through college I wrote as many essays and papers at the last minute as possible. It sounds like torture, but I really got the best work done this way. At my desk, because I used to have a desktop of course, staring down the words on the screen demanding that they start making better sense and stylishly, at that. Put my hair up, pull my hair down, scratch my head. Get more water. Clean my room. Ah, that's better; a full page of writing would come to me then. Sometimes I would even ask my roommate, who took some of the same classes, if I could help her with her paper so I could clear my head. Conclusions were always written in the morning after what little time I had set aside for myself to sleep had passed. I don't know if I really slept so much as I wrote conclusions with my eyes closed. Then I would rush my hot-off-the-printer paper to my class glamorously clad in pajama pants and a sweatshirt. But even for the panic attacks and near missed deadlines, I was almost always happy with the final product.

While writing this blog has caused some hair pulling and room cleaning, the pressure is different. I have always wanted to look at something one more time, make it better, think of one last thing before I commit to the finished product. And the problem with blogging is, I can. I can hold off as much as I want. I don't have a due date to put my posts in the hands of an expecting teacher. But I can't help but feel the passing of days without posts as missed assignments, missed opportunities. So, alas, I will push publish on this post, my first without pictures as I could not think of a way to visually emote this feeling in a natural way. Trust me, you don't want a visual of what goes on in my head, anyways.